Physicality of Fat
What does being fat feel like?
Fat feels heavy, like a constant burden that I can’t put down. Fat feels like a struggle, to reach down to put on my shoes. Fat feels like a strain, as I’m squeezed into my skin like a sausage. Fat feels tight, with my waistband pressing into my skin. Fat feels embarrassing, as my belly overhangs and wobbles. Fat feels uncomfortable, especially in the heat when my thighs rub together and the sweat pours off my red face.
How does fat constrain me?
Fat makes me feel like I am too big for this world. I squeeze myself into the cubicle of a public toilet, barely able to turn around. I’m squashed into theatre seats, conscious that my bulk might spill over the person sat next to me. Airline seats are particularly unforgiving as I stretch the seat belt to across my hips. The horror I feel if I catch myself in a mirror, even clothed or god forbid naked as I am confronted with the reality of my flesh. The walls of the shower confine me especially if I need to reach down for the shampoo bottle. Even outside I see the incredible hulk of my shadow casting darkness in the sunshine.
How does the outside world see fat?
On the beach or in the swimming pool, l I feel self-conscious about my size unable to hide under the armour of my clothes . Despite the body positivity brigade, the inner critic is never far away reminding me of the social stigma of size. The assumption is being larger makes you less likely to be believed or taken seriously. I feel ashamed that I can’t discipline my body like others. I see people’s eyes drift to my belly and the flicker of disapproval. Lazy, greedy, unfit, unhealthy, unattractive are all words associated with being fat.
We live in a packaging culture that despises content.
Anthony Hopkins
Fat is a burden, a heavy one as I lumber along or drag myself upstairs. The exertion of carrying this load. The shame of the bulge in a world where looks determine likes and size shaming is the first line of social media attack.
But I am still me inside. I am the same funny, opinionated, bolshy person I was when there was less of me.
